Identity

Whoooo Are You? Who Who

First of all, I am NOT the person on half of the complimentary address labels in the drawer with my “bills to be paid”. I don’t use them anymore, but I don’t have the heart to throw them away. For twenty-seven years I WAS Mrs. Kenneth Krouse, and we were Mr. and Mrs. Kenneth Krouse. Now those labels are obsolete.

I can’t really blame the charities for not knowing any better although some of them have caught on to the fact that mine is the only name on the checks now. It’s a little harder to understand why some credit card companies persist in including my husband on the bill, even though they don’t issue him any new cards.

School

Ken and I adopted four children: Megan, who is now thirty-four, Justin – forty-three, Jack – thirty, and Mandy – twenty-nine. When my husband died, Megan was about to graduate from High School, Justin was in the Army National Guard, Jack was in eighth grade, and Mandy in sixth.

Mandy has learning difficulties and had just transferred to a new school system that was better suited to her needs. Previously, she had been at the same parochial school as Jack, but the public school was equipped with more resources.

The whole eighth-grade class attended my husband’s funeral. He had helped coach the football team. At the end of the year, the “year book” had a photo of Ken on the inside cover. Mandy’s school barely acknowledged her absence during those difficult days.

When the time came for me to have a conference to discuss Mandy’s IEP (individual education plan) for the next year the reminder letter came addressed to: Mr. and Mrs. Kenneth Krouse. When I went in for the conference, I mentioned to them that they should change their mailing list. The next time the conference reminder was addressed the same as the one before, as was her report card. I again mentioned the oversight to them and the next time I received a letter it was addressed the same, but the “Mr.” had been crossed out. Really, how difficult could it have been to correct the mailing list?

I know it doesn’t seem like much to an outsider, but to me, those little things can really tug at my heartstrings.

Business

More difficult is the way a widow is perceived in the business world. One thing that my husband and I were planning to do was to replace our roof. When I received the insurance money, the first thing I wanted to do was to complete that task.

I can’t even tell you the number of roofing contractors that were reluctant to work with me, or even give me a quote, without talking to my husband. I finally managed to convince one that that just wasn’t going to happen, but it wasn’t easy.

I met similar roadblocks with car salesmen and mechanics. Also plumbers and repairmen. I truly believe a lot of repairs become a lot more serious and expensive if there isn’t a spouse there for back up.

Kids

I am, of course, the same parent I have always been. I was a Brownie Girl Scout leader, but even though I could buy provisions for camping trips, I could not take my husband’s place as a Boy Scout leader. I did make an acceptance speech for him when he was named “Volunteer of the Year”posthumously, but my son soon lost interest in the program and quit even though he was well on his way to Eagle rank.

The same thing happened with football. I could sit on the sidelines and cheer, but I could not help coach.

Friends and Associates

I was never really close to any of the people that Ken worked with, but what little contact I had disappeared. I had one meeting with the Human Resources person, who assured me that the children would be taken care of until age eighteen and I would be taken care of “for life”. Two months later, the company was sold and all retirement and survivor benefits were dropped. After that, needless to say, I never heard from anyone.

We had many wonderful friends who still include me in social activities. Some social activities were just no longer possible though. Groups where we were a team of: Kitty and Ken. No more Couples Bowling League or Couples Golf. Even the neighborhood Bunko game was off. Without my partner, I just became a loose end.

In-law

This is one identity I am blessed to have been able to keep. I know it is not the same for everyone. As horrible and difficult as it has been to lose my husband, I can’t even imagine how painful it would have been to lose his family as well. I couldn’t help crying when, at my husband’s funeral, my sister-in-law came up to me and said, “I hope you won’t lose touch with us”. Her statement shocked me because I hadn’t even thought of that possibility. I replied,” You are my Sister. My name is the same as your name, I hope we will always be a part of the family”.

I am grateful that it is still so today. We are included in family decisions and plans. I was part of the discussion when it came time to decide what should be done when my Mother-in-law could no longer stay in her own home. And I was there after she died to help sort through her household belongings.

I just talked to my brother-in-law the other day, on what would have been my husband’s birthday. He just called to say he was thinking of me and of Ken. Next week the whole clan will be gathering at our annual vacation spot on Lake Michigan. I am looking forward to seeing everyone and sharing my children and grandchildren with them.

Phone Calls

I will not lie, this is something that still gets to me. When I answer the phone and someone says, “Is Ken there?” It may be an old Alumni Association, or business associate, or even just a salesman, it always comes as a shock. Even if they just say, “May I speak to your husband?” I never know exactly how to respond.

Something has been happening recently that I can’t explain. It never happens when I am home to answer the call, but I see the caller ID later. I have been getting calls from Ken’s old company. He worked for a large manufacturing firm with multiple plants for which he was responsible.

The caller ID of the company came up twice before I mustered the courage to call the number back. The caller hadn’t left a message, I just hit the re-dial on the phone to reach that number. It rang and rang for a long time. Finally, a woman answered. I explained who I was and that I had been called by that number. She said that the phone I reached was in a part of the plant that was no longer in use and she had answered the phone just by chance because she had been walking through on her way somewhere else. Our number used to be an emergency contact, so I figured someone just dialed it by mistake. Last week I was checking my missed calls and that number came up again. I hope there wasn’t too big of an emergency.

Who Are You?

What problems have you encountered with your loss or change of identity? How do you respond to people who view you as somehow less important since you are no longer part of a couple? I’d love to get your input.

Until then….this is Kitty.